“Christmas Story”
Kenneth Sousie

Setting: A fictional town in the Midwestern USA. Christmas Eve. Night. It’s dark. It’s cold. There’s snow.

ACT 1. SCENE 1.

Christmas Eve. Inside a house, a couple argues. The room is filled with Christmas decorations, but bags are packed and all the house lights are on. There is no sense of the holiday spirit.

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas by Judy Garland plays.

Overhead radio, the announcer sounds like a stereotypical old time radio host:

And the 200,000 dollars raised for The Golden Oaks Orphanage was stolen this afternoon by a thief in a Santa uniform. Authorities found the unconscious body of a man who was to be the Santa for the charity event before being attacked having his clothes stolen! A horrible end to Christmas Eve for the children of Golden Oaks.

James: I don’t want you to leave.

Maggie: This isn’t about want any more James, I need to go.

James: You’re not going to leave on Christmas Eve.

Maggie: You can’t tell me what to do anymore.

James: You’re my wife. As your husband I think my word has some gravity.

Maggie: Husband? That is hilarious. It doesn’t work that way anymore.

James:  I don’t know how many more times I have to say I’m sorry.

Maggie: You’re sorry? For what? For cheating on me? For cheating on me the night before Christmas Eve?

James: It was one time Maggie.

Maggie: One time! Look at me James. Do I look like an idiot to you? When you look into my eyes, what do you see? I mean what do you really see? Do you see a dumb housewife who doesn’t know the smell of perfume that isn’t hers? Or when her husband’s dick smells like someone else’s pussy?

Maggie: You’re insane.

Maggie: Or are you sorry for also cheating on me on Thanksgiving. Or on Halloween. Or the Fourth of July.

James: Maggie, you have no proof. It was only one time. Would you listen to me? You don’t exactly make it easy.

Maggie: Or Valentine’s Day, or St. Patrick’s Day or fucking Arbor Day.

James: Maggie will you relax.

Maggie: What about Groundhog’s Day, James.

James: MAGGIE. I’M..you can’t...look I’m not going to let you leave me. You’re my wife. You made a promise. You have no proof. You’re not going anywhere. Not tonight. Not ever.                                

Maggie: What are you going to do, pin me down? Hit me? Again?                                           

James: That was also one time and …gets distracted Jesus Christ those fucking carolers.

Maggie: Yeah, they’re singing for the Orphanage, the one across the street, the one you should be in, since all you are is a lost child.

James: Do not...do not call me a child.

Maggie: A boy pretending to be man.

James: DO NOT CALL ME A CHILD! I SAID..I SAID SIT DOWN!

Maggie: NO! HOW ABOUT YOU GET OUT OF MY WAY!

All my life, all my life I’ve degraded myself by going from piece of shit loser to piece of shit loser, and for what? To be lied to? To be cheated on? To be hit? By you? No.

James: I...I mean it..I mean it Maggie...lower your voice.

Maggie: GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY. I’M NOT GOING TO SPEND MY CHRISTMAS EVE WITH YOU.  I’M GONNA GO BE WITH..

James: WITH WHO.

Maggie: I DON’T KNOW. LOVED ONES.

James: THERE IS NO ONE WHO LOVES YOU.

Maggie: THEN I’LL FIND SOMEONE.

James: MAGGIE SIT…. OH GOD.

James, annoyed by the Christmas caroling goes to the window and yells.

James: SHUT THE FUCK UP! Maggie GET BACK HERE. James goes to a dresser and pulls out a revolver.

Maggie: Is that a fucking gun?

James: YOU’RE NOT LEAVING.

Lights go out.

SCENE 2.

Joy to the world plays in the theater. The lights come up to reveal the Christmas Caroling.

They are outside a set piece of a house across the street from an orphanage, which is not scene, as it is meant to be in the direction of the audience. Lights come on.

Lucy and Nikki::

Joy to the world, the lord is come

Let earth receive her king

Let every heart prepare him room

Let heaven and nature sing/

Let heaven and nature sing

Let heaven                                                                                                                                       

Rick and Brad:

Deck the halls with boughs of Holly fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la                                                                   

This the season to be Jolly fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

Don we now our gay apparel/ fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

Deck the halls/ with boughs of Holly fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

There is an uncomfortable pause, and both groups look irritated towards each other.

Louder Lucy and Nikki::

Joy to the world, the lord is come

Let earth receive her king

Let every heart prepare him room

Let heaven and nature sing/

Let heaven and nature sing

Let heaven

Louder Brad and Rick::

Deck the halls with boughs of Holly fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

This the season to be Jolly fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

Don we now our gay apparel/ fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

Deck the halls/ with boughs of Holly fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

Lucy: Hey! Hey what’s going on!

Rick: What do you mean what's going on? This is our spot. 

Lucy: Excuse you, not tonight it isn’t.

Rick: Yes it is! We’ve come to carol here tonight and fundraise for the orphanage.

Lucy: So have we!

Lucy and Nikki::

Joy to the world, the lord is come

Let earth receive her king

Let every heart prepare him room

Let heaven and nature sing/

Let heaven and nature sing

Let heaven

Brad and Rick:

Deck the halls with boughs of Holly fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

This the season to be Jolly fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la                                                                             Don we now our gay apparel/ fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

Deck the halls/ with boughs of Holly fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

Lucy: Hey, hey alright. ALRIGHT. Who are you people?                                                        

Rick: WE’RE SANTA'S ARMY.

Lucy: From Dogtown?

Nikki: That slum?

Rick: Yeah. That Slum?

Brad: Who the fuck are you?

Lucy: We are the CHILDREN OF JESUS FROM THE PARISH OF ST. MICHAELS. AND THIS IS OUR SPOT. We got here first SO IF YOU DON’T MIND...

Brad: WE DO MIND! WE HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO CAROL HERE AS YOU STUCK UP ASSHOLES DO!

Rick: CHILDREN OF JESUS, BRO AREN’T YOU THOSE “DONATION” HUNGRY EVANGELISTS FROM LAKEVIEW WHO PASS OUT THE CHRISTMAS CARDS OF YOURSELVES EVERY YEAR, THE ONES OF YOU WITH THE KIDS TO MAKE SURE EVERYONE KNOWS JUST WHAT A GOOD DEED YOU’RE DOING! WEARING THOSE SWEATERS! WAIT! HEY LOOK THEY HAVE THE SWEATERS!

Lucy: We are here to fundraise for the orphanage.

Nikki: THESE ARE OUR TEAM SWEATERS! And isn’t your organization made up of ex-convicts?

Lucy: That's right! Hey, you *to Rick* I know you. Aren’t you that Dogtown thief who got arrested burglarizing Lakeview 6 years ago? During Christmas? They let you out of jail and are letting you carol in front of an orphanage? That is hilarious.

Brad: I paid for my mistakes.

Rick: Paid for his mistakes bro. We all did and are just trying to give back, so get lost.

Nikki: For a bunch of criminals? That’s not happening.

Lucy: And isn’t your organization’s thing the denouncement of Jesus Chris? I know you. I KNOW YOU! “Santa’s Army” is a bunch of hooligans who are trying to replace the image of our lord with Santa as the face of Christmas. You should go back to burglarizing.

Rick: We just don’t think that A “RELIGIOUS ORGANIZATION” THAT TURNS ITS BACKS ON INDECENCY TOWARDS CHILDREN SHOULD HAVE ANY PART IN RAISING MONEY FOR AN ORPHANAGE, OR IN CHRISTMAS AT ALL.

Brad: YEAH AND JESUS WAS THE REASON BEHIND THE CRUSADES, BRO. THE FUCKIN CRUSAIDES YOU KNOW/ ANYTHING ABOUT THE CRUSAIDES.

Nikki: JESUS CHRIST IS THE SYMBOL OF HOPE AND PROSPERITY IN MANKIND YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES.

Lucy: Nikki! And the crusades? What about corporate marketing using Santa as a tool to push CAPITALISM. YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT CAPITALISM?                                         

Rick: Lakeview, WHY DON’T YOU GO WRITE A CHECK? NONE OF YOU NEED TO BE HERE. YOU’RE ONLY OUT HERE TO MAKE YOURSELVES LOOK HOLIER THAN THOU.

Lucy: WHY DON’T YOU GO BACK TO YOUR SIDE OF TOWN AND LEAVE THE FUNDRAISING TO PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY RESPECT CHRISTMAS! AREN’T YOU THE SAME PEOPLE WHO FLOOD THE BARS IN THE EAST MARKET AREA EVERY YEAR DRESSED AS SANTA AND OBNOXIOUSLY PUKE ALL OVER THE SIDEWALKS?

Nikki: YEAH I CAN SMELL THE BOOZE COMING FROM THEM!

Lucy: I WILL CALL THE POLICE!

Rick: SO CALL THEM!

Brad: THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH A LITTLE NOG ON CHRISTMAS BRO!

Lucy: Look, the Children’s money was stolen and right now there are ORPHANS WHO NEED THEIR CHRISTMAS TO BE SAVED AND HAVING TWO GROUPS IS ONLY STOPPING THAT.

Rick: I AGREE. SO GET MOVING.

(all argue)

Enter Samuel

Samuel: (ringing a bell)

 Lullay, lullay,

 my little tiny child,

By-by lullay, lullay

Lucy: What?

Rick: Who the hell are you?

Samuel: Lullay, lullay, my tiny, oh! Hello! Merry Christmas!

Lucy: Can we help you?

Samuel: Oh! No! I’m ok! Thank you! My little tiny child lullay, by-by lullay

Brad: Bro, what are you doing.

Samuel: Oh! I’m Samuel from the Church of The Coventry/ Mystery

Brad: BRO WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE.

Samuel: I’m a member of the Church of the Coventry Mystery! I’ve come to carol for the children!

Lucy: Oh god.

Rick: You gotta be kidding me…

Nikki: What even is the Church of the Coventry Mystery!? I never even heard of that!

Samuel: We just started it. The Coventry Carol is a 16th Century Christmas Carol, traditionally performed in Coventry England as a part of a mystery play called “The Pageant of the Sherman and Tailors” which depicts the story of Christmas as told from chapter 2 in the Gospel of

Matthew, and refers to the “massacre of the innocents” in which HEROD/ ordered all the male infants                      

Lucy: WHAT!?

Rick: That is so depressing.

Samuel: Ordered all the male infants under the age of two in Bethlahem to be killed. It’s sung as a lullaby in the perspective of a mother singing to her doomed children.

Lucy: Why would there even be a church like that?

Samuel: I don’t know. My dad started it, but, you know, he left. So I figured, I learned the lyrics anyway, and I don’t know anything really about Christmas, as you can tell, by the subject matter of my Christmas carol, our take on Christmas is a bit, so, you know, you can only get a carol, in this town, and not be looked at weird, if you’re affiliated with some organization, to carol, and everything else seemed to be taken, so I thought, why not The Church of the Coventry Mystery.

Brad: You’re an organization of one?

Shemuel: And I am well aware of the irony of trying to raise money for children, by singing a song about children being slaughtered on Christmas, but you know, life is full of conflicting conflictions, but, who cares, because it’s Christmas, and what's important is the children, am I right?

Beat before completely ignoring Samuel to resume

Rick: THIS IS OUR TURF!

Lucy: I’m sorry but WE WERE HERE FIRST!

Brad: GET OUT OF HERE!

Nikki: WHY DON’T YOU MAKE US

Yelling can be heard faintly

Samuel: Do you hear that yelling?

Lucy Nikki Brad and Rick sing at the same time. Samuel joins a few moments later.

Lucy and Nikki: Joy to the world, the lord is come

Let earth receive her king

Let every heart prepare him room

Let heaven and nature sing/

Let heaven and nature sing

Let heaven

Brad and Rick:: Deck the halls with boughs of Holly fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

This the season to be Jolly fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

Don we now our gay apparel/ fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

Deck the halls/ with boughs of Holly fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

Samuel: Lullay, lullay,

 my little tiny child,

By-by lullay, lullay                                                                                                                            

A voice yells out the window:

James: (SHUT THE FUCK UP!)

SCENE 3.

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas by 8mm Plays.

O’Malley sits in an empty bar full of Christmas decorations. The bar should be dark, but is heavily illuminated due to christmas lights. “It’s a Wonderful Life” plays on the television. Sal, the bartender, wears a santa hat.

Sal: That no good steal from a buncha kids thievin bum Santas still out there. Let me tell you, if he came into this bar..

O’Malley: Yeah.

Sal: If he was right in front of me

O’Malley: Yeah.

Sal: I mean, Christmas Eve or no Christmas Eve..

O’Malley: Yeah.

Sal: Taking from a bunch of kids who ain’t got nothin.

O’Malley:Yeah.

Sal: On Christmas Eve!

O’Malley:Yeah.

Sal: Which reminds me

O’Malley:Yeah?

Sal: Merry Christmas Eve Mick.

O’Malley: It’s Monday night, Sal.

Sal: I know, I just thought that I’d wish you a Merry Christmas, year after year, hoping one day it’ll stick.

O’Malley: Do me a favor? (pointing to Sal’s santa hat) Take that thing off.

Sal: What? My Santa Hat? What are you, officer grinch?

O’Malley: Please.You know how I feel about all of this Christmas shit.

Sal: Alright, but just because your tab pays the electricity bill. You gotta get the spirit into you, Mick. Not just liquid spirit either.

O’Malley: But I have your spirit Sal. And this liquid spirit, enough of it and I’ll get the right kind of Holiday cheer. The kind of cheer that blocks out all this deck the halls bullshit.

Sal shakes his head and takes off his Santa hat and directs the attention to the TV.

Sal: Ever see “It’s a Wonderful Life?”

O’Malley: Yeah                                                                                                                               

Sal: Black and white, Jimmy Stewart, “Clarence! I want to live again!” All of that! It makes me weep every year when I watch it.

O’Malley: Yeah

Sal: About a man, who lives his life, nothing goes his way, so one night he decides to throw in the towel, you know what I mean? And his guardian angel comes out of nowhere, helps him out, and he learns the spirit of Christmas! Everyone comes to help him in his time of need! Beau-tee-ful!

O’Malley: Sounds riveting.

Sal: Well damn, here I am giving away the movie! Beat. What I’m trying to say Mick is that, you know, this ain’t so bad a time of year. You gotta enjoy it, like everyone else around you. It hurts me to see you like this, I mean, I appreciate the company on Christmas Eve, but, Mick, it’s Christmas Eve and you’re always in here! Just like Jimmy Stewart in that movie, I don’t want you to throw in no towel. You ain’t gonna throw in no towel right? Cause you know, whatever you got going on, it could always be worse, you know?

O’Malley:Yeah

Sal: Right?

O’Malley: Right. .

Sal: Annoyed. Yeah. YEAH. yeah what do I know. Beat. You know I never ask you about your personal life but, you got any family you can see tonight Mick?

O’Malley: I’ve got you Sal.

Sal: No girlfriend?

O’Malley: No.

Sal: No boyfriend? I don’t judge!

O’Malley: Not that I know of.

Sal: Your mom? Your dad?

O’Malley takes a long beat and looks into his glass.

O’Malley: I’ve got a sister..

Sal: excited A sister!

O’Malley: Nora. 

Sal: Nora! There you go! Why aren’t you with her?

O’Malley: She lives in town but, I don’t know. We don’t keep in touch.

Sal: Don’t keep in touch? What do you mean “don’t keep in touch”?!

O’Malley: We haven’t spoken in 10 years. I don’t think she wants anything to do with me, and I don’t, look I’d rather not talk about it.                                          

Sal: I think you should see her.                                                                                                                                                         

O’Malley: Annoyed, but with a sincere gratitude to Sal’s concern. And I know you mean well, but I’m not Jimmy Stewart, and this is no “It’s a Wonderful Whatever”, this is the real world. Happy endings, some people just don’t get them. Ok? Christmas is bullshit. So poor me one more will you?

Sal: I know what you need.

Sal puts his Santa hat on O’Malley. O’Malley explodes.                                                           

O’Malley: Get this fucking thing off of me.

Sal: Irritated What, you sit on the wrong Santa’s lap when you was a kid?

O’Malley: Fuck OFF.

Sal: Irritated and hurt and speaking in a condescending tone You prick, Santa can hear you, you know.

O’Malley: Santa can hear me. SANTA DOESN’T EXIST. Can he hear that? I fucking hate Christmas and I don’t want to see any Santa hat or Santa anything. If a god damned Santa came up to me I think I’d rip his beard off his face real or not. It would be worth my badge. Long beat That’s why I’m in IN this shit hole that nobody goes to on a Christmas Eve to avoid/ all of that..

Sal: hurt I see.

O’Malley: No. Christ, Sal I didn’t mean that.

Sal: No, it’s ok. I hear you loud and clear kid.

O’Malley: Sal, seriously I’m sorry, I just

O’Malley’s radio goes off. “We have a noise complaint in front of the Orphanage. Belligerent civilians”

O’Malley: Shit, I have to go...Sal...I didn’t mean...shit… to the radio I’m on my way. Sal..

Sal: Yeah, Merry Christmas kid.

O’Malley: To himself. Shit.

Scene 4.

Lights out. Have a Holly Jolly Christmas by Burl Ives plays.

Lights go on. It’s a dark room in an almost unfurnished apartment. Car headlights are coming in and out brightly from the windows. A disheveled man in a Santa costume is drinking from a bottle, sitting on a chair in center stage looking down at a present sack full of cash.

A radio announcement plays:

There is still no sign of the Golden Oaks Orphanage thief!

Santa: Fuckin bullshit..

The Orphanage director commented saying that all day, there has been nothing but children crying, as they watched, and I quote: “Santa betray them before their very eyes”

Santa takes a swig from his bottle. Music keeps playing

Santa: Fuckin BULLSHIT…….

Is there no decency left in mankind! Music keeps playing.

Santa: Fuckin bullshit…………….Lights go out.                                                                           

SCENE 5.

Back between the house and the orphanage, O’Malley arrives to a bickering mob.

O’Malley: ALRIGHT. CALM DOWN. EVERYBODY CALM DOWN. What’s going on here.

Lucy: We are trying to do a job here.

Rick: So are we.

Samuel: So am I.

O’Malley: Christ./ Alright listen,

Lucy: Do not take Jesus’ name in vain.

O’Malley: Right, sorry, ok we…

Rick: What? Never seen a group of Santas before?

Brad: Santa has a right to be here too bro.

O’Malley: No. It’s fine. It’s just. Ok so we have an issue with noise I’m going to need everyone to relax or I’m going to have to have you vacate the premises.

Lucy: DON’T TELL US TO RELAX! THESE MEN ARE EX CONVICTS AND HAVE NO RIGHT TO BE HERE!

Rick: YEAH JESUS FREAK KEEP SMITING ME!

Samuel: Can’t we all just be here?

O”Malley: Ex-Con….Brad? Brad Stanton?

Brad: Oh shit! Officer O’Malley! Merry Christmas Bro.

O’Malley: Hey man.

Lucy: “Hey man?” You know him?

O’Malley: Yeah I put him away a few years ago.

Brad: You got me good bro.

Lucy: You have got to be kidding me.

Nikki: SANTA AND JESUS ARE CONFLICTING IDEOLOGIES! 

O’Malley: Oh my god/ alright look…

Lucy: DO NOT TAKE GOD’S NAME IN VAIN!

Rick: Oh would you shut up?

Nikki: DON’T TELL HER TO SHUT UP!

Brad: MAYBE YOU SHOULD FOLLOW SUIT

Lucy: WATCH YOURSELF

Samuel: Can’t we all just get along?                                                                                           

O’Malley: OK ENOUGH. ENOUGH. ….ok look.

Rick: What are you looking at?

O’Malley: Ok I just have to ask. Do you really believe in Santa?

Brad: Believe in what he stands for bro.

Lucy: He’s fake.                                                                                                                             

Rick: So is Jesus.

Samuel: I like them both.

O’Malley: Stop! No its just. I don’t see how you can.

Nikki: Exactly.

O’Malley: How either of you can believe in any of this. You believing in Santa, or the idea of Santa, you in Jesus, and, looks at Samuel what do you represent?

Samuel: I’m with the Church of the Coventry Mystery and I’m singing the Coventry Carol/ which depicts...

Lucy: Don’t!

Rick: Please, just don’t.

O’Malley: I mean, it's Christmas. We’re standing outside of an orphanage. An orphanage that got robbed this morning. There is no Santa coming to bring them gifts in the morning, all your fighting is making sure of that. And Jesus? You’d think Jesus or god or whatever would stop someone from stealing money from a bunch of kids who just want to, for one night, forget how shitty the world can be. Instead its faced with the real world. The real world, and all its shit doesn’t stop just because it's Christmas. So why bother. What are you even doing here.

Both groups look at each other frustrated and confused.

Lucy: We are trying to raise money for these kids.

Rick: Yeah man, that’s what we are supposed to be doing.

Nikki: The world isn’t always shit, you know.

Brad: No, but long beat we’re shit. We are all shit. We’re supposed to be here to raise money for these kids, bro. All we’ve done for the whole night is argue over who gets to stand here.

Lucy: You’re right. He’s right.

Rick: All of us, we should be ashamed.

Nikki: I agree.

Samuel: I technically never held a tiff on this night, so please do not include me in your self reflections.. However, this depressing cop speaks the truth. What are we even doing here? It’s almost midnight, nobody is going to come. Failure is all we have accomplished.

Lucy: Officer, I’m sorry but is there anyway we can..

James appears at the door holding Maggie

Nikki: OH MY GOD. THAT WOMAN.

Brad: BRO HE HAS A GUN.

Scene 6.

Lights out.

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas by Frank Sinatra plays. Lights come on to reveal a modestly decorated living room. This is Mick’s childhood home. This is the past. It’s Christmas Eve and he’s playing with his mother.

Laura: Mick! Where is my beautiful boy!

Mick: I’m here!

Laura: Mick? I can’t see you! Where is my Mick?

Mick: I’m here! I’m right here!

Laura: I can’t see you!

Mick: I’m right here mom! I’m right here!

Laura: Ah! There you are! My little Mick O’Malley.

Mick: I’m not little!

Laura: Oh! Excuse me! My big Mick!

Where’s your Santa hat?

Mick: Its right here!

Laura: This year Santa has something very special for you. He told me himself.

Mick: What is it?
Laura: I can’t tell you but, he’s putting it under that tree tonight when you go to sleep.

Mick: And Nora too?

Laura: And Nora too but she’s already sleeping! We are going to have to get you to bed too Mick.

Mick: No! I want to see Santa!

Laura: He’s not going to come if you’re awake! That’s not how it works silly!

Mick: I’ll just hide in the corner!

(stumbling is heard) and Laura drops from joyful to concerned.

Laura: Ok sweetheart it’s time to go to bed now ok!

Mick: But I want to meet Santa!

Laura: Mick let’s get going its time to sleep.

Al, a menacing bastard, walks into the apartment.

Al: What the fuck is this?

Laura: I was just putting Mick to sleep Al

Al: Teaching our son fairy tales?

He looks fucking ridiculous.

Mick: But I like my hat.

Al: You look like a fucking pussy. Is that what you want to look like?

Laura: Al. Please. It’s Christmas Eve. Beat. You’ve been drinking.                                                          

Al: You’ve been drinking. It’s Christmas Eve, lighten up bitch.                                                                           

Laura: Do not talk to me like that. Do not talk like that in front of Mick.

Al: What? Like what? It’ll toughen him up, maybe he won’t turn out to be a little pussy.

 Al knocks off Mick’s Santa hat.

Al: DON’T PICK THAT HAT UP. DON’T PICK THAT UP YOU LITTLE PUSSY.

Laura: Mickey go check on Nora

Al: You stay right where you fucking are.

You’re going to tell me how to act? How to behave? How to be a man in front of my own son?

Mick: Stop yelling! Santa won’t come!

Al takes Santa hat and throws it.

Al: Santa isn’t going to come because SANTA DOESN’T FUCKING EXIST! What the fuck are you teaching him you stupid..

Laura: I SAID DON’T TALK THAT WAY IN FRONT OF..

Al hits Laura. Laura falls to the ground. She is helpless and humiliated.

Mick: Mommy! Stop! Don’t hurt her!

Al: Maybe Santa will come and stop me. Maybe this is your fault for being such a little pussy. I SAID SHUT UP.

Al walks off stage, kicks the presents under the tree on his way out.

Mick: Mommy I can’t move.

Laura: Go get your sister. Don’t let this happen to you. Go get your sister.

Lights fade out slowly.

Scene 7. Back in front of the house.

James is standing by the doorway holding Maggie. He is frantic. Maggie is focused. He has a gun pointed at her, not at her head.

Nikki: OH MY GOD THAT WOMAN

Brad: BRO HE HAS A GUN

James: EVERYBODY GET BACK.

Lucy: Oh no.

Rick: Oh my god.

Maggie: HE’S HAD ME IN THERE FOR A FUCKING HOUR. HE’S LOST IT.

James: SHUT UP MAGGIE. EVERYBODY GET BACK WE ARE WALKING OUT THIS DOOR, GETTING IN MY CAR/ AND EVERYONE IS GOING TO MIND THEIR BUSINESS AND HAVE A MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS.

O’Rourke: NORA!?

Maggie: MICK!?

O’Malley: NORA. NORA ITS YOU.

Maggie: MICK. OH GOD. PLEASE HELP ME.                                                                                                    

James: HOW THE DOES HE KNOW YOU? WHY THE FUCK IS HE CALLING YOU NORA?

O’Malley: freezes I… I….

James: Talking about O’Malley LOOK AT THIS ASSHOLE. ALRIGHT EVERYBODY GET OUT OF THE WAY!

Maggie: MICK DO SOMETHING PLEASE

Rick: WHY ISN’T HE MOVING?

Samuel: Everybody get back!

Maggie: MICK PLEASE.

James: MY WIFE AND I ARE GETTING OUT OF HERE.

O’Malley: No.

James: Get out of the way you fucking...

Mick snaps out of it and takes out his gun with purpose. He points it right at James.

O’Malley: I’m not going anywhere.

Maggie: Mick.

James: SHUT UP MAGGIE. Frantically Put that fucking gun away or I’m going to blow a hole right in her fucking head and it’s Merry Christmas to/everyone.

Maggie: MICK.

O’Malley: Tell her to shut up again and I’m going to lay you where you stand. Nora, I’m not letting anything happen to you. You’re not going to do a goddamn thing but put that gun down and release... my…. sister.

James: You don’t seem to..

Maggie: MICK.

O’Rourke: I’m getting my sister.

A man dressed as Santa comes up from behind Maggie and James and pulls James back. Maggie and Mick run to each other and they embrace.

Brad: BRO THAT SANTA IS KICKING HIS ASS!

Nikki: Fuck it. LETS GO.

Everyone runs into the house and grabs James pinning him to the ground.

Lights dim around the stage to reveal a spotlight on O’Malley and Nora

O’Malley: Nora, its really you.

Maggie: And it’s you.

O’Malley: I can’t believe...checks Nora's body are you ok?                                                          

Maggie: stern and directly into Mick’s eyes Where have you been Mick? Where the hell have you been?                                                                                                                                    

O’Malley: I’m sorry Nora.

Maggie: You left me alone..

O’Malley: Nora.

Maggie: Mick.

Maggie and O’Malley, Nora and Mick hug

O’Malley: I’m never going to leave you again.

Maggie: You came home.

Lights come back on

Long beat

O’Malley: I didn’t think you wanted to see me. After mom died I just thought

Maggie: It’s over. You’re here now. I’m here.

O’Malley: Maggie?

Maggie: Yeah, I changed my name. I couldn’t hear dad’s voice calling me..

O’Malley: Maggie. It’s ok. That's over too.

Lights focus on the gang

Samuel: I can’t find Santa.

Rick: Any eyes on Santa?

Nikki: He’s gone.

Brad: Bro he vanished.

Lucy: Well, this was insane.

Both looking at the Orphanage

Rick: We just wanted to help but

Lucy: I know. Us too. We all/ messed it up.

Samuel: with excitement Look! It’s Santa! Holy hell that man looks wrecked.

Santa comes with a big bag.

Santa: loud and drunkenly I stole this money this morning from The Golden Oaks Orphanage. $200,000 dollars. In cash. Puts down the bag Fuckin bullshit..

Samuel: Holy hell that's a lot of money.

Rick: What the…

Lucy: It’s actually here...

O’Malley: holy shit, you, but you, and, wait what?!

Samuel: This guy knocked out that guy AND returned the money!? Santa-CLAUS everybody!      

O’Malley: Why, why did you come back? Why would you return this?

Santa: It’s fucking Christmas, man. I’m a thief, but I ain’t going down as no MONSTER.

O’Malley: Thank you, for all of this, but I still have to arrest you.                                     

Santa: Fuckin bullshit...

Rick: That guy should be the leader of Santa’s army.

Brad: Totally bro.

O’Malley: Hey. Santa. Thank you.

Santa: Yeah alright.

O’Malley: Thank you for saving my sister.

Santa: Who? The fuck you talkin bout?

O’Malley: My sister, thats who you saved.

Santa: I just fuckin got here man, now get out of my face.

(Santa is taken offstage to a cop car)

Sister Antoinette: Oh my god, the money!

Samuel: It’s a Christmas Miracle.

 Sister Antoinette: Lucy!

Lucy: Sister Antoinette.

Rick: You two know each other?

Sister Antoinette: Of course!

Lucy: Sister Antoinette, this orphanage, they took me in when..

Rick: What? I had no idea.

Nikki: They take us all in.

Brad: Who is us?

Lucy: Victims of childhood…

Brad: I am so sorry. So this is more than just, you really want to be here.

Lucy: Yes. This is my home.

Sister Antoinette: So both of you had hard pasts. I know this because like the rest of the neighborhood I was watching from the window, and are trying to make the world a better place with your new lives. Long beat And are still fighting?

Brad: Not anymore.

Brad and Lucy hug.

Rick: Hey, Children of Jesus.

Lucy: Hey, Santa’s Army.

Rick: We’re sorry.

Lucy: We’re sorry too.

Sister Antoinette: Jesus, Santa, it doesn’t matter what symbol you believe in, its what you do with that symbol that matters.

Samuel runs in                                                                                                                             

Samuel: No, you’re not gonna believe this.

Lucy and Rick: What?

Samuel: Santa’s name. I heard from the cops.

Lucy: Yeah?                                                                                                                                

Rick: Well?

Samuel: It’s Jesus.

Lucy: Ok, I’ve had enough.

Rick: No fucking way.

Nikki: Shut the fuck up.

Brad: Bro!

Samuel: *sigh* Whatever.

Lucy: to Sister Antoinette: Look, I’m sorry about all of this.

Sister Antoinette:: Don’t be silly! I’m happy I called the police on you! But this money is back!  You kept everyone awake, scared the children to death, but now you are going to be lifting their spirits! Come inside and sing! Unless you can’t agree..

Rick: No, we can all sing.

Orphanage director: What do I introduce you as?

Rick: The Children of…

Lucy: THE CHILDREN OF SANTA’S ARMY.

Samuel: of the coventry.

Lucy: The Children of Santa’s Army of the coventry…

All walk off stage except O’Malley and Maggie:

Maggie: Hey, convict Santa dropped this.

O’Malley: It smells like garbage.

Maggie: It looks great on you. Merry Christmas Mick.

O’Malley: Merry Christmas...Maggie.

Maggie: So do I have to go and give a statement?

O’Malley: Yeah. But after I know a bar we can go to.

Maggie: That sounds nice.

O’Malley: You know, Santa said he didn’t tackle your prick husband.

Maggie: That guy? He smells like piss, the man standing behind
me did not smell like piss. Come to think of it he kind of smelled like gingerbread.

O’Malley: Real funny.

Maggie:  I’m serious. He was a lot fatter too.

O’Malley: Wait, so that wasn’t him?

Maggie: What are you saying Mick.

O’Malley: Then who the hell saved you?                                                                                        

Overhead, bells and a faint “ho ho ho” can be heard. Both O’Malley and Maggie look over head.

O’Malley: What...the...                                                                                                                 

Maggie: Holy shit.

O’Malley: It can’t be..

Maggie: I’m not even ready to even think about that possibility. Lets go. I want to have a drink with my brother.

O’Malley: Maggie

Maggie: Mick.

O’Malley: Merry Christmas.

Maggie straightens Mick’s Santa hat.

Maggie: Merry Christmas.

Both walk off stage. Christmastime by The Smashing Pumpkins plays as the lights fade out.

End.